


Fratis Grata

by anoyo



Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-30
Updated: 2009-10-30
Packaged: 2017-10-03 05:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anoyo/pseuds/anoyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Spoilers</b>, for seasons one and two.  Lyle thinks about his relationship with Neil, and what Neil would think about Lyle taking his place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fratis Grata

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Gundam 00 Summer Fic Exchange](http://community.livejournal.com/doubleexchange). Spoilers for pretty much the entirety of the series, just to be safe. Genfic, not incest, though I suppose if you want to read it that way, you can.

No matter how many years passed, it would always be strange.

Maybe that was starting too far along.

The thing was, everyone expected twins to be the same person. When confronted on that, they'd all laugh and shake their heads, saying, _of course we know you're different people_, but when they stopped thinking about it, they assumed. It was implied, in every shared or identical birthday present, every accidental name mix-up, every time favorites were confused between them; whether they meant those things to take away from each twin's identity, that's what they did.

Really, they didn't even hate it. They resented it, of course, but eventually they came to the conclusion that it was inevitable, and to simply move on. They'd laugh, saying, _No, Neil's the one who likes video games_, and, _Actually, rhubarb is Lyle's favorite pie_. Little things; things that didn't seem all that important, in the long run.

People would laugh at their corrections, saying, _Oh, you know your brother so well! Being twins does that, right?_ Of course it did, but not because of any particular closeness; if it wasn't your favorite, they must be mistaking you, so it was the other's favorite. Not that hard; just process of elimination.

Really, they weren't that close. Close as any brothers, certainly; less than some, more than others. But they didn't have that closeness that movies, books, and society expressed was the norm for twins. They had their own interests, their own hobbies, their own mannerisms; they were always shocked when people mistook them for one another, simply because they shared the same face. Weren't people more than how they looked?

When their parents died, they were both given the same suit to wear. It was a little thing, just clothing, but it seemed like more than that. They stood, the last of their family, indiscernible from one another. In the eyes of everyone else, they were no longer "the twins," they were now "the survivors." Something else had combined them in the world's eyes.

If they were the same person, one entity, then there had really only been one survivor. They were together, but they were alone. Alone, and victims of a self-fulfilling prophecy. As though something had changed that was too integral to continuing as they had done, the deaths of their family served only to move them farther apart. What had once been a brotherly relationship, though one of two separate individuals, was now the relationship of two boys who shared the same face, but no longer the same heart.

Was it really any surprise, then, that they wound up doing completely different things with their lives?

Was it really any surprise that, in the end, they wound up doing the same thing with their lives?

Maybe. Lyle thinks that Neil would have been surprised; then, Neil never expected any of the things that Lyle found to be the most important.

Lyle wonders, sometimes, what Neil would say if he found out that Lyle had taken his place in his idiotic mission. Something like that, he thinks. Definitely "idiotic." He'd cuff Lyle on the head, berate him, ask him, "Why would you do that? It's not your cause! You didn't even want a cause!" But that's not true, is it? Lyle knows he's always wanted a cause; he'd even found one before he was handed his brother's.

_Just another expression of making two one._

But they weren't that close.

Neil would ask him what he's thinking; what he's doing. Lyle would retort, "Being you; who better, if you're not around, right?" and then they'd break into a sullen silence, agreeing to disagree. Or simply agreeing to stop arguing; nothing so sophisticated as agreeing to disagree. They could never do that.

Maybe that's not right. Lyle knows this isn't the cause for which he would have thought his brother'd be fighting. How much was the brother he remembered -- fighting, laughing, living -- the brother he'd seen in Celestial Being's recordings? How much wasn't he? Could Lyle ever know?

Of course not.

Only he does, he thinks. The more he watches the recordings, reads the reports, sees how his comrades expect him to behave, _slowly becomes some strange mix of Lyle and Neil and someone who is neither_, he thinks that maybe the conversation wouldn't go like that.

Maybe, Neil would say, "Why are you here?" He'd be standing, leaning against the wall, arms crossed. Neil always stood like that; like maybe if he leans his weight against something and keeps himself as compact as possible, no one will notice even the slightest uncertainty. He can appear in control, assured, and just a little mature. More mature, now, Lyle thinks, since they really are grown up. They can't argue with that anymore.

Lyle would look at his brother and think everything he thinks now, but he would say, "Because I felt like it."

Neil would understand that. He is Lyle's brother, and no matter how they were when they were kids, that still counts for a lot. The anxious energy that's almost synonymous with adolescence isn't as all-consuming now. They wouldn't react to one another like they used to, when they were trying to convince themselves that they really weren't the same person. That they could be Neil, and Lyle, and they didn't have to be both. Lyle thinks that Neil would understand. That he'd say, "And what do you feel now?"

Lyle thinks that Neil would understand, and that Neil would say this, because maybe Neil felt it too, when he was doing this. When he decided it was all right to die. It has nothing to do with being twins, but everything to do with being human. Motivation is a human emotion, something that all humans feel, and so is "right." It's not as describable as "motivation," but it's just as real. Lyle feels it now, and Neil maybe felt it then, and Lyle thinks that Neil would know. He thinks that Neil would nod after Lyle tells him, "Now I feel it even more."

He thinks that Neil might smile at that, at least a little wryly, and maybe uncross his arms: he doesn't need to look so in-control now. They both know, understand, and there's more to that than how someone looks, and how someone comes across. It's not as limited, not as shallow. "Yeah?' Neil would say. "It kind of gets to you, doesn't it? The action, the adrenaline, the weird feeling that if this isn't right, then it doesn't really matter much, does it, because you're probably dead anyway."

He'd make more sense now than he ever did as a kid, Neil would. Lyle would think it was ironic, and laugh, feeling like maybe he and his brother were maybe going to be okay, as far as brothers went. He'd say, "Not at all. It's more like I don't care if it's really right or not; I mean, how can I know, right? Instead, it's like it's right for me, and I know this is what everybody tells themselves -- probably the guys we're fighting as much as we do ourselves -- but what else can you do?" He'd tell his brother what he didn't tell Setsuna, posturing as he was with his assumed age and the moral strength he thought he'd grown up within himself. "It's like being swept away; you can't really control it, but so long as it gets you somewhere, who cares how you got there? I don't need to pretend I came from somewhere else, with some other motivations. I wanted to see it, and now I am. What I do with it, I'll do with it. I don't need to know right now."

Nonsense would make sense to Neil, because Lyle thinks Neil would have felt it, too. Being well-spoken had always been something he'd had over Neil; Neil was the do-er, Lyle was the talker, but "had always been" isn't now. People change, so memories have to change, too. Just because he remembers his brother as someone other than the recordings and reports say doesn't mean that either is any more right than the other. Lyle thinks that the same way that he grew -- through his experiences -- Neil would also have grown. They're similar enough, human enough, brothers enough, that Lyle doesn't think he's making false judgments on Neil. What Lyle feels would make sense to Neil, and Neil would say, "Maybe. I don't know. Just do it and see what keeps feeling right, and then do that. What's left to lose?"

Lyle knows what he'd say, of course he does, as much as any man knows himself, "Just me, and whatever I've figured out."

"Then I'd say you've got a nice bet going," Neil would reply. "Wrong, but nice. Of course, that's your own to screw with; I couldn't tell you one way or the other. You'll do it, anyway."

"Of course." Lyle would shrug, keep looking at his brother. "Not me, otherwise."

"And you always have to be you."

"Of course."

"Good luck." And Neil wouldn't say: Fight for me, too. I love you. Because that wasn't Neil, and it wasn't Lyle, either.

Lyle thinks that this is how they would talk about it, if they could. He can't know, of course he can't, but he can think, and maybe he can believe.

Like breathing out a ring of smoke at three o'clock in the morning, thinking three o'clock in the morning thoughts. Believe they're true, and they can be, whether you know them or not.

No matter how many years passed, it would always be strange. Lyle always hated when people mistook him for his brother. Now, Neil is dead and Lyle is still mistaken. Sometimes, even by himself, at three o'clock in the morning, thinking three o'clock in the morning thoughts.


End file.
